i fucked up.
hung out with addy this morning and we drank some energy drinks.
i suppressed my appetite all day. chugged lots of water. no food. the thought of it made me sick.
then i hung out with mary jane, and i mostly smoked cigarettes whenever i felt the need to eat.
but then we got home and they were eating and i got so hungry…
a piece of chicken teriyaki, two slices of cheesecake with chocolate syrup, milk, and cheetos.
that’s what i ate in a matter of minutes.
fuck.
my stomach.
it hurts and it’s huge.
binge and purge, binge and purge, binge and purge.
and wake up tomorrow and do the same damn thing.
the fuck is my problem?!
i’m such a fucking fat ass.
i hate myself.
i swear to god, i do.
i don’t deserve to be proud of my body.
who could be proud of something so ugly?
all the cellulite and pooching and loose skin and round parts and acne and bad hair and short fingers and bitten nails and fat ankles and fatter wrists and no fashion sense and no intelligent capabilities and fucking awkwardness and fat arms and fat backs and god my fucking stomach and don’t even get me started on my thighs.
good. lord.
i really do hate everything about my body.
fuuuuuuuck.
i just want to be thin.
i want people to ask about me.
i want people to worry.
i want people to wonder how i got so skinny.
“adderall and cigarettes, bitch.”
and that’ll be the end of that.
